Does anyone else ever wake up from a dream mad at their spouse? This occasionally happens at our house. I’m sure no-one will be surprised the dreams are usually mine and Jodi is the target of my ire. One would think these dreams would be about her flirting with/dating other women. While those dreams and my resulting annoyance have occurred, this week the dream was about her misguided humanity toward spiders. Really talented spiders. And I woke up furious. (I will concede now there are occasions she’s entitled to sympathy just by virtue of being married to me).
What was the spider’s talent, you ask? Or maybe you didn’t but you should.
It went like this. In my dream I was at our house in our living room – which was in reality not our living room or our house. Do other people’s dreams do that? Just create new details about mundane things like, you know, where you reside?! Anyway, I was calmly sitting in a chair minding my own business when I saw a giant tarantula on the coffee table. I say giant because it had really, really long legs so it was bizarrely tall but not particularly wide. I started trying to yell at Jodi who was in some room down the hallway. However, my dream did that thing where you can’t scream, or even really talk at a normal tone of voice apparently. I was getting panicked and frustrated thinking it was just like in a dream where you can’t yell – unfortunately this seemed to do nothing to clue my dream self into the fact that it was indeed a dream.
– Mind you, when I told this story to the Divine Miss M, she interrupted at this point to ask why I didn’t just try to kill the spider myself. A question that never occurred to me because killing spiders is supposed to be Jodi’s job. We all have our roles in our respective relationships and one of hers is spider-killer. –
I continued my futile efforts to yell for the resident spider-killer, not taking my eyes off the freakishly tall tarantula. And then I watched it use two of its legs to deftly pick up the sippy cup next to it on the table, tip it over, drink out of it and set it back down. (The dream world apparently created a toddler for us. I never saw the toddler and sadly, keeping said tarantula away from it never entered my dream world mind. Clearly, I rock as a parent in every reality). At that point, I was able to make enough noise to attract Jodi’s attention. She walked in and do you know what she did? Well, she didn’t kill it, I can tell you that! Instead, she picked it up and held two of its legs up so that, in her words, “it can’t bite me” and proceeded to take. it. outside. All the while, I’m telling her to kill the d*mn thing!
Upon awaking and vociferously explaining the deplorable nature of her actions, she calmly responded that obviously she wasn’t going to kill it as it could drink from a sippy cup. That did not get her off the hook though because she didn’t know it could drink from a sippy cup, she wasn’t in the room then and I hadn’t told her before she went all PETA on me. (I would note she was also not concerned, in either reality, with the resident toddler. It’s really a wonder the Divine Miss M has made it this far.).
She also didn’t seem concerned about my subsequent outrage. Instead, she proceeded to let the dogs outside and I heard her breezily tell them, “Watch out for the spider.”
I’d already told her we weren’t in our current house in my dream. She doesn’t listen to me at all.